progress breeds motivation

I had one of those crazystupid "aha!" moments the other day.

So....I haven't lost any weight in several months. I stopped counting.

In fact, I gained weight. I gained what, in my opinion, is a lot of weight (7lbs if you're wondering).

I plateaued for a long time right around 144/145. I was steadily, constantly going down and then it all just stopped. For a while, I was content to maintain around that weight and figured that at some point I would put in the effort for my final push, to get to 136. And in that contentment, I think I got complacent. I slipped a lot in my diet and work outs. I went on a anniversary trip with my sweetheart and gained, like, 5lbs in one weekend.

And then it just started getting depressing.

I cleaned up my diet (ish) for a whole week. And gained another pound. I went to the gym every day (kind of) and gained more.

I started having thoughts of "well maybe my body isn't meant to be that small" or "maybe I should just give up and toss out those size 6 jeans that are now too tight".

But those thoughts just made me feel like it would be all too easy to just go back to where I was two years ago.  And as frustrated I was with myself for gaining back 7lbs, I can't imagine what I would think of myself if I gained back all the 40+.

I got really honest with myself about my diet (too much sugar, too much booze, even if it did technically fit into my calories for the day). And I got really  honest with myself about my work outs (not really pushing myself very hard, not doing anything new, not working out for much longer than a half hour).

If I wanted to see results, I had to put in 100% effort. 80% wasn't cutting it.

I thought back to where I was over a year ago and what the difference was between a year ago, when I was on fire to keep going and now.......where I was getting complacent to gain. It was the progress that was the difference.

And I had one of those stupid "AHA!" moments.

THAT'S how it's so easy for everyone (including me) to give up. You put in what you feel like is a lot of effort for a week and see NO results? That's discouraging. You do that over and over? You feel like you are just MEANT to be unhealthy. And it's pretty easy to just get stuck there.

The crappy part of that is that means I have to create my own motivation  Because what motivated me was progress. I was on fire because I was on a roll. I was constantly losing.

And, yeah, the less you have to lose the harder it is. And so I have to be smarter about my food and smarter about my work outs and remember how it is I want to treat myself. I have to create the motivation to get me back on track.

So I'm eating cleaner. For reals. And putting more effort into work outs. Seriously. No half-assing it, no lying to myself, no cheating. Because I  need to see some progress.

Even if I never see the 130s, I really liked how I looked and felt in the low 140s. And I know I can get there. It's super frustrating to have been there and lost this weight already and have to lose it all over again. But it is what it is.

Sometimes you just have to be your own motivation.